Brothers and sisters, I sense that somewhere out there one of our viewers has a pain... it's a severe pain in the... a kind of stiffness... in the neck. Viewer, place your hand on your television screen. Do it now. I command that you be healed! Neck pain demons be gone!! There, you should feel better, now.

""Brothers and sisters, I wish to remind you we now sell this holy, blessed healing salve. Only $39.99. Works on all pains, boils, and itchiness of the skin and scalp. Buy now and receive the prayer towel, holy golf divot repair tool, and blessed red plastic martini olive swords - no extra charge.""

""I am innocent of these charges! This young woman... this hussy... this licentious harlot is an instrument... (sobbing) all right, I did it! I am a sinner! I have sinned against yoohoohoohoohoo.""